I Can’t Bounce Back! Things I wish I knew when becoming a mother

I can’t bounce back! Things I wish I knew when becoming a mother. 

By Sophie Ghavidel 

Motherhood is often depicted in a way that highlights joy, love, and a beautiful sense of peace and fulfillment. And modern mothers are told endlessly that they must magically ‘bounce back’ to how they were before childbirth, placing unrealistic expectations on already burdened and sleep deprived shoulders. 

Take this article as loving reminder that it’s totally normal to feel as if you’ve lost your ‘bounce’ and to have a little compassion and kindness for this new world that you find yourself in. You might be confronted by feelings of guilt, perfectionism, fear, control, mental load, work-life juggle, in addition to a changed relationship with your partner. Remember, the changes to your body and life are profound and real and it will take time to navigate one of the biggest changes to your life you would ever expect. Try and take any well intentiond advice to get back to it with a pinch of salt, and think about it – would you tell a teenager going through puberty that they must ‘bounce back’ to their earlier state? Motherhood does not mean to go back to how things were before. Things are profoundly different, and that’s OK. 

Here are a few things that changed for me when I became a mother. 

1. Profound Identity Shift

• What to Expect: Motherhood brings change in ways that are deep seated and often unexpected. The identity shift from who you were before having a child to who you become as a mother can be both enriching and disorienting. You may find yourself grappling with the loss of your previous self while trying to embrace your new role. My old identity was very much tied up with my hard-won career and work, and for me taking maternity leave was a terrifying idea – I went from being paid for something that I was good at, to being not paid for something I felt terrible at.  What kind of deal was that? When I chose not to go back to that company – one that I had spent a decade and a half building, it was a fraught and confusing time. 
• Tips: Remember, you will always feel the most lost before you find your way again. This shift can lead to feelings of confusion, loss or even grief as you navigate the new version of yourself and miss parts of your old life, or your old body. The transition you’re in is a process, and it can take years to settle back into a role in which you feel comfortable. Be gentle on yourself, and try and coach yourself as you would a good friend. This is not the time for critical self talk. You need to be on your own side as you navigate this new normal and trust that a new path will open up. Start every day with a mantra – pick one that resonates with your situation and tape it to the mirror in your bathroom, or place it next to your bed. (I personally like the last one). 
• I am not a bad mum. I am a good mother having a bad day.
• I can handle this challenge. I am stronger than I feel. 
• Today is a new day. Today we start afresh. 
• I am connected with my baby, and we will always be connected.
• I am doing the best I can. That is enough.

 

2. An Emotional Rollercoaster

• What to Expect: The love you feel for your child is intense, but so are the other emotions that come with motherhood—guilt, fear, frustration, and sometimes even resentment. I found that I could go from feeling invincible and a super mum on minute, to feeling totally out of control – in as short a space as a car ride to a play date. I’m used to controlling my emotions, but the frequency of change threw me. I also felt the need to compare myself to other seemingly serene mothers constantly – are they feeling like this? But when it came to opening up to my mum friends, something held me back – even in this day and age I felt a sense of shame for being just so unbalanced. I made a pact with myself never to complain about my daugther because, well, noone likes negativity. Looking back, I definitely could have given myself a better outlet for all these huge feelings bubbling up. 
• Reality: New emotions can come in waves and sometimes all at once. You may feel an overwhelming love for your child while also feeling exhausted, anxious, or even angry, and feel invincivle one moment, in dispair moments later. It’s normal to experience conflicting emotions, and it doesn’t make you a bad mother. And even if you do have regrets, or miss your old life, that’s normal too. A recent YouGov survey in the UK found that around 1 in 12 women admitted to regretting having children.

 

3. Loneliness

• What to Expect: Despite being surrounded by people—your partner, family, friends—you may still feel incredibly lonely. Early motherhood made me realise just how many people I interacted with at work, day to day. I also realised how many of my friendships were bound up in my career, and most definitely my ability to leave the house! I found motherhood isolating, not so much in the eraliy days, when I was a novelty and everyone wanted to visit, but in months 3-6, when I was at home, no longer ‘new’ and my friends were living their best lives out and about. Social media was not at all helpful – showing me image after image of glossy friends and associates with their free, exciting lives, travelling the world, and looking fabulous whilst doing it. I had to disable instagram at times, as it made me feel just so inadequte and lost. 
• Reality: The demands of caring for a new baby will severerly limit your social interactions, leaving you feeling disconnected from your old support networks. And when friends do come over, you might feel lonely in that moment as you realise just what a chasm has opened up between your old state and the new. I found that making the effort to finding new ways to connect with others really helpful. I signed up to baby classes, reached out to friends that were not previously on my radar and tried as best I could to stay open minded about meeting new people – even if they were not ‘my typical tribe’. It helped, but there were still days I felt totally alone, and for those moments, staying busy helped. 

 

4. The Mental Load

• What to Expect: The “mental load” refers to the invisible, often unspoken work that goes into managing a household and caring for a family – that typically falls on the ‘mothering’ role in the relationship. It is estimated that women do around 60% unpaid work in the house than men, (according to the UK’s office for National Statistics).  For me, it was like another window opened in my brain – a constant mental juggling of naps, shopping lists, schedules, appointments, feeding, and the needs of everyone around me. It is also full of ‘micro stressers’ – an upset message from a friend, missing an appointment – expectations to show up to family events – that chipped away at me to the point of burnout.  As a new mother, constant worry became my constant companion and frequent night wakings meant that I spent hours awake in the early hours running over all the things to do, to remember and be prepared for.
• Reality: The mental load can be exhausting and overwhelming, especially if it falls primarily on you. It’s important to recognize this burden and seek ways to share it with your partner or support system. Try and pinpoint exactly where you need help, and be prepared to delegate. I found the early starts with my baby really challenging, (and still do!), but when I get honest with myself, I realise that this is amazing bonding time with my daughter. So I’ve learned to love this part of the day, and I asked for constructive help in other areas. When it comes to sitting with your partner or support network to ask for help, it’s useful to try and use language based on how you feel as opposed to what ‘should’ be happening. Try and break down tasks so that the mental juggle is shared, or at least delegated in part. 

 

5. Total and Sudden Loss of Freedom

• What to Expect: I totally under appreciated the freedom I had before my daughter, to hit the mall, travel, sleep in, read a book, to spontaneously go out, or to scheudle self care moments…looking back, I didn’t realise the total freedom I had – I felt that work had me chained to my desk! With a child, my ‘free time’ is no longer ‘free’, revolving  around wake windows and her feeding scheudle, or when I can get some child care. The level of planning required to simply leave the house was a shock – I remember many outings in the early days ending in disaster because I hadn’t planned properly and just left the house with my tiny baby. On one dismal day, I had to walk home for two hours with her in the cold November rain because getting an uber or a bus home from a newborn swim class in London rush hour was impossible. My husband was not happy at all, and I felt so inadequate. Another time, I forgot spare nappies….and had to rush home from a music class…I’ve definitely learned the hard way.
• Reality: Your time and energy are now largely dedicated to your child, and it can feel like there’s little room left for yourself, especially in the early days when you’re still adjusting to the level of effort needed simply to leave the house. It might feel as if it’s easier just not to bother to go out at all – and that’s totally OK too. It it helps to remove this pressure, just let it go! Remember, adjusting to this new reality takes time. There’s no easy solution to this challenge, but open communication with your partner – or support network will help. And if you do venture out with the baby, become a whizz on travel times, keep a bag stocked with supplies in your buggy at all times, and relax about timings… naps will happen, feeding will take place… Equally, you might feel guilty for wanting to go out with your baby, but try small moments to start with – a quick manicure for example, and see how you go. 

 

6. Being a beautiful ‘trad wife’  

• What to Expect: Society can place immense pressure on mothers to look and behave perfectly —to always have it together, to be endlessly patient, and to provide the best for their child. Social media is a very strong trigger for this – there’s a ‘trad-wife’ influencer trend going on now  that fills my feed with image after image of women or giving themselves entirely to their offspring and spouse, or spending seven (!) hours making organic meals.  Sitting at home breast feeding in my tracksuit, my work and social clothes gathering dust in my cupboard, I felt a million miles from the shiny, pulled together woman of before. I felt frustrated with myself that I was so critical of my apperance pre baby, and now all I wanted to do was get back into those jeans and leave the house!  And then I felt guilty for not wanting to be a trad-wife, and wondering if this was the ‘new me’ that I needed to grow into. A very confusing time all round. 
• Reality: The pursuit of perfection is unrealistic and can lead to burnout. It’s okay to make mistakes, to have bad days, and to ask for help so be kind and it’s very important to understand this is a phase, and that in this short window, you need to lower expectations. Remember, there’s no such thing as a perfect mother, only a loving one. I would absolutely recommend setting a filter on your social media accounts to reduce the unwarranted pressure from strangers, and try and remember your strenghts and what you’re doing well. According to research, if you parent well 30% of the time, you have a great chance of raising a well-rounded child. 

 

7. Breastfeeding

• What to Expect: While breastfeeding is often portrayed as natural and easy, many mothers find it to be challenging, intenselt painful, and frustrating. Milk supply can go up and down, nipples can become sore and injured and the baby might go on strike at any given point. The women making it look easy are typically the minority. I loved breast feeding, but I found it very very painful to start, and as the months passed, I found if incredibly depleting – my nails started to fall off and I felt as if making all this milk was sucking me dry. I persevered, mainly owing to my own pressure of what a ‘proper mother’ should be providng for her infant, but it wasn’t easy. Not to mention the weeks where she went on ‘breast strike’ and would only take my pumped milk from a bottle. That meant I spent my entire time either pumping or feeding her. Not to be recommended. 
• Reality: Issues like latching problems, low milk supply, or excruciating pain can make breastfeeding far more difficult than expected – it’s not uncommon for each feed to reduce otherwise strong and capable women to tears of pain, frustration or both. It’s okay if breastfeeding doesn’t work out the way you planned. There is very little evidence to show any difference between breast and formula fed baby development, so this is a case of being strong, drowning out the noise and judgement and doing excactly what works for you and your child. 

 

8. Your Changing Relationship with Your Partner

• What to Expect: It’s tough to say, but the dynamics of your relationship with your partner will change after having a baby. Balancing the roles of parent and partner can be challenging, especially when you factor in the loss of spontenaity, lack of sleep, resentment over who and who doesn’t get to leave the house, the imbalance of the mental load, and changing physical needs. It’s a lot, and being a great partner through early motherhood, and not letting the process allow us to drift apart, definitely added to my feelings of guilt and worry.  I also found that we each envied the other’s set up – him feeling left out that he wasn’t sharing moments with our daughter at home, and me missing the excitement of days spend ‘out’ moving and shaking in the city. At times, I was overwhelmed and I took to bursting into tears with very little provocation, which left my husband totally bewildered and thinking his normally cheerful and laid back wife had totally lost the plot. 
• Reality: It’s hard to hear, when so much else is going on, but this is a time to try and put more time, effort and communication into your relationship to stay connected. Tough as it might seem, try and prioritize time for each other, such as making an extra effort over a birthday, booking in a date night, or just trying not to collapse on the sofa at the end of the evening. Even chatting together and sharing expereinces can help with connection, as can making sure to touch each other, remain intimate (even if you have to book it in like a business meeting), and sending photos or messages throughout the day keeping each other updated about what’s going on. 

 

Motherhood is a complex, multifaceted experience that is definitely as challenging as it is rewarding and the first weeks and months can be intense, disorientating and filled with challenges – some predictable and some not. Let’s continue to talk about the hard parts, to reduce stigma and help those who might suddenly find themselves grappling with the gap between their expectation and reality, or the pain of health issues that have arisen. 

SheWell is here to help, with programs and resources to lessen the overwhelm of being a new mum and helping return you to full health and mental equilibrium.